I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
