Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
