I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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