he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
