we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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