So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
