Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
