why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
