i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
