I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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