I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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