I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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