Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
How external is "for external use only"?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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