Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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