Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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