No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I believe in your delicious
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
