You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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