are you still at the devil's house?
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
