I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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