in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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