I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
