There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
