just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
