Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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