In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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