I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize