OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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