Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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