i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
