You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I have tasted many bathrooms
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
