that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
