Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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