Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
