Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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