I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just found puke in my bra..
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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