What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
