Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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