Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
His hands were made for my vagina.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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