The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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