that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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