I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
