I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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