Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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