i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
