In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
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