come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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