Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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