from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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