I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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