I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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