i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
