one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
