Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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