Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
