I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
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