It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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