How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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