You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
