remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
