i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
