if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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